Q: Kathryn, I need some serious help. There’s a guy I’ve been craving that I see at my gym, but he intimidates me. I can barely look at him, much less smile or try to actually make contact. He just seems out of my wheelhouse. Why would a guy like that — who probably has women chasing him — pay any attention to me?
I’m kind of fixated on him. Do you have any advice for getting beyond him being out of my league?
A: First off, he is NOT out of your league. Leagues are a false construct that absolutely do not hold up in love. Statistics back me up on that one, too.
Here’s what I suggest — a technique that uses behavioral therapy — one of the most effective methods of overcoming fear available.
1) The Attitude Adjustment. Start seeing yourself differently — as someone that a guy (your soulmate) like him will eat up with a spoon. Your One will be the most attractive person you ever meet, so he’s one of the more likely ones to be your soulmate. Elevate yourself to his level as best you can.
2) Remember how dating works. The first encounter is insignificant in the grand scheme of things. It’s repeated interaction and deeper bonding that most relationships are built upon — even in their initial attraction phase. (My book Dating for the One really dives into this and how to create that bond.)
3) Now, you need to act “as if” with this hunk. Even if you can’t completely believe it, act “as if” this guy were in your wheelhouse. How would you treat him? What would you do? Act as if you have faith that you get love & that it will be a hottie like him. (I had a recent client try this, and she had the guy who had intimidated her chasing her down for a date.)
Prepare for your next encounter using this process. It works wonders. I’d love most of all for you to know just how lucky he is to talk to you. You discount yourself when you feel in a different wheelhouse, and it’s just not true.
Love & support for changing wheelhouses,